The other shoe drops

So Tuesday I had a dream involving Lenny Bruce and cornflakes. Wednesday I happened upon a Lenny Bruce reference in the newspaper. At 5:42 this morning I got this in my inbox:


Am I saying that my dreams are now predicting the future? Em, no. Not exactly. It’s not my intention to say that. I’d prefer to think that the cornflake spam was triggered by my writing about cornflakes on this site. However, I’ve intentionally kept my email address off the site in order to avoid spam. So I don’t know what to think.

The Spermamax Conundrum

So I got a piece of spam today with this subject line:

You want a girl, then try Spermamax.

And nothing else: no message body, no attachment, no URL. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what they mean by that. The most obvious interpretation is “Use Spermamax and you will get a girl.” But in my experience, girls generally prefer Spermaless, if not Spermanone—unless they for some reason want you to get them pregnant, which leads me to interpretation 2. Maybe they mean “If you’re intending to impregnate your good lady wife, and you desire a female child, then use Spermamax.” Which would make it something of a miracle product, although one not likely to sell well in China.

Or maybe it’s just some kind of bebop poetry, with no causal link implied. “You want a girl; then you try Spermamax; then you get hit by a bus.” But the darkest interpretation is “Use Spermamax and you will no longer want a girl.” If so, will it just make the whole thing happen in your head, like Digital Underground’s sex packets, so that no actual girl is necessary? Will it kill your sex drive altogether? Or will it turn you gay? ls it Spermamax that’s really to blame for the Mark Foley scandal? I’m sure the Republican Party would like you to think so. “Agents of the Homosexual Agenda dosed Congressman Foley’s Sobe with Spermamax; it’s not his fault.”

…and there’s the buzzer that tells me I’ve milked this very slim vein for all it’s worth. Thanks, you’ve been great. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

I am lazy and arrogant

In case you hadn’t heard, I am currently engaged in a blog-off with my nemesis Cecil Vortex. You will probably hear Cecil whining and crying that today’s entry is a cheat, because it’s technically more typing than writing. Actually, less like typing, more like cutting and pasting. But screw you, Vortex! Take your Virginia Woolf books and your tea and crumpets and your pressed flowers and go sit in a meadow and write some more “poetry.” See if I care.

Anyway, I got some spam in German today, and just for kicks I ran it through Babel Fish to see what it said. I found the results amusing, and you may too:

The Doctrine of Getting Toned

Some spam lobber calling himself “Dino” got me with an email subject-lined “please be discreet.” How could I not open it? Here’s what I found inside:

just wanted to see if you were still wanting the doctrine of getting toned?

I really am, that is why i am so pleased i discovered upon

[Web address deleted]

It was good decisevely having someone to support me out.

occurred at built-in several
We distinguishing may as well
I must architecture have gone about

Revenge of the Poetic Spam

My spam filter seems to have gotten hip to these, so I haven’t gotten one in my inbox for awhile, but the following slipped through a couple days ago. I think that this is about George W. Bush (best line: “extemporaneous bicker toga flow, a Republican radiologist whitewash”).

Monitor Exhibition
analogy pissed presumption
bedspread intercourse corduroy
an apex as sound barrier, by payload humanize a skit escapist
inspirational valuable appetite
minus sign wrought elsewhere
instant solitaire and grounds, with whistle dressing room
knee-deep expertly copulate
contradiction avail vandalize sheepishly as squid affect
untried brave in hyper reclining
menstruate smitten: that malaria and clam threatening
write-up phone book of flaunt ignore, that upheld a pragmatist
the tug of pen pal fearlessness and pride
extemporaneous bicker toga flow, a Republican radiologist whitewash
a spry balance of power by male chauvinist employment agency
industrialist thereabouts jockey
an ATM, the nail polish, a brainstorm, the handpicked accessibility
unbearable the obstruction
obliterate animal October expressly to hill parochial
ecosystem and contemplative grouping
that duke rat race
subdued Chief Executive to voice the parched greatness
the smoke screen bricklayer
wheat, comatose, rapt pole vault!

Poetic Spam Strikes Again

Today’s message was a little more confrontational:

simply front man
your a self-fulfilling prophecy outlying as spent!
shambles acrid, to dancer, manicure instance report card
asshole totalitarian marketability, good-natured oppressor
uneasy ticket consummation
the humidity
regenerate conjugate as twelve, depraved decoration the regret
restless unease in that presumptuous volley
the publicity, an exam rye, the hotshot and remoteness
the glamorously involuntary with effeminate, refined melody
nab as unbalanced or scholastic the graphics truth
twinge leafy, allure, kingpin pronoun, with prong, as mudslinging
now madam the testimony