Desirable Elements of Information

Some now living will never die.

It’s been a while since I could just post about whatever I felt like, so I thought I might take a few minutes to update you, faithful readers, about some of my ongoing obsessions.

Abe Vigoda

According to every source of information at my disposal, Abe Vigoda remains alive. Among those who have shuffled off this mortal coil since I last wrote about Abe (2/25/11):

Andy Rooney
Amy Winehouse
Whitney Houston
Adam Yauch
Donna Summer
Ernest Borgnine
Sherman Hemsley
Gore Vidal
Phyllis Diller
Jack Klugman
Charles Durning
Norman Schwartzkopf
James Gandolfini
Peter O’Toole
Slim Whitman
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Elaine Stritch
Robin Williams

Just to name a few. Whereas Abe’s to-all-appearances-imminent death has been a running gag in popular culture for about 40 years now. Long may he reign.

Gargling in public

It’s been awhile since I cleaned out my spam comments, but there were some nice ones this time. For instance this one from longtime correspondent “Senethra”:

Manipulation and furry has no boundaries upon selfishness. Bold talking of bullshiting . Just F- ing get to f-ing gether already. Spendrella and the green wolf, Damn. I dont need this shit in my back yard. How many black chocolate elgance God wonderful and fearly created without remorse. Im not the damn milk maid. Using and abusing people is agianst the laws of righteousness. Demons, vampires and dangon slaughteres. I live to love openly and passionately for the things th\at nature me back. Deception can sometimes win if the idiot doesnt pay full attention to its were abouts. Direct quotation marks and lots of exclamations. The pragnent women laying in blood because she was stupid not in LOVE. There is no way it could be right and YOU know the *&%^ is FACT, you selfish ass mother fuckers.

Or this one, which is apparently trying to sell me British prostitutes:

Unquestionably believe that that you said. Your favorite justification seemed to be at the internet the easiest thing to be mindful of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed while people think about worries that they plainly don’t realize about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also outlined out the entire thing with no need side effect , people could take a signal. Will probably be again to get more. Thank you Magic Escorts, 30 Sutherland Street, Westminster, London, SW1V 4LA, 020 3011 1712

This is not the first time that I’ve been spammed with the phrase “You managed to hit the nail upon the top.” Is this perhaps something English people really say? That would be adorable!

This one was posted to my entry on Aloe Blacc. The writer seems quite exercised about something, but I have no idea what they are talking about:

NOOOO!!! NO SHOW ON NICK PLEASE NO!!! It will RUIN their personalities and they won’t be the funny and at times perverted guys that directioners know and love!!! Big time rush is on Nick let them be American show biz puppets and kindly live our boys out it please!!

This one seems to be addressed to a porn star named “Rod,” who apparently is a fan of ex-Lakers coach Phil Jackson:

Hi Rod, loved the live show tonight. Glad you found a great place to move to in Phoenix. That is beiggr and cheaper. I agree with you on Kobe and the Lakers. I hate to see Phil Jackson go he is great coach. Love your latest scene, you Mason Star flip flopping each other. I love all your scenes and your the greatest. Have a great week.

But this is my favorite, sucker that I am for all things in list form:

1. Evening gown, G-string, Muffs 2. Eddy’s ice cream, Graham crackers, Muffins 3. Earth shoes (brand), Goofy toe-socks, Mouse sleipprs 4. Easy-chair, Garden chair, Miniature recliner 5. Elvira, Gatsby, Milo 6. Eventide (nursing home), Grandpa’s bathroom, My closet 7. Extra candy canes, Games, Mints 8. Extra-low prices, Great Gift ideas, Merry Christmas 9. Eggs, Granola, Muffins 10. Excavator, Garbage collecter, Mail carrier 11. Eavesdropping, Gargling in public, Munching open-mouthed, 12. Extremely annoying, Groans about everything, Mistake

Mistake? Maybe, maybe not. “Accident,” maybe. It makes me think for some reason of the last words of Dutch Schultz…which are always worth thinking about.

A welfare of writing good

Over the years I’ve learned to make peace with my spam. It used to annoy me no end, but anymore I have almost a fondness for those few spam comments that make it through the filter – like salmon swimming upstream, they are tenaciously fighting a doomed battle.

Take for instance this one from “Stephen Fest”:

I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here. The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish. nonetheless, you command get bought an impatience over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come more formerly again as exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this hike.


Consecrate it a look consistently

Spam comments keep getting sneakier all the time. These days they generally take one of two approaches:

  • Make a reference to something or someone I’ve actually written about or mentioned, in hopes that they’ll come off as a real person.
  • Say something nice about my writing, in hopes that even if I know they’re spam I’ll be vain enough to post the comment anyway.

And in the latter case I am indeed often tempted, but I hate to give them the satisfaction, the swine. Instead, in continuation of my long-standing tradition of repurposing spam as content, here is a smattering of recent communications from the bots of cyberspace:

there are many greatest movies that i can think of by James Bond and Star Wars should be on the top of my list`*-


Damn You, Damn You, Merchants of Spam

This blog lives for comments, so it is very disappointing when one pops up that looks promising and turns out to be a fake—some pleasant-sounding gibberish sent out at random by evil agents of Viagra. They probably think that I will be so flattered by the compliment that I will go ahead and post the comment even though it clearly has nothing to with me.

And in truth I am often tempted to do so; it seems a shame to let them just go to waste, especially since they sometimes contain delightfully off-kilter turns of phrase. So herewith, a few examples:

“Sylvester Weisbrod” on The David Bowie Diet:

Hi, this website delivered in a google listing on Diamond jewelry, it was more or less exactly what I expected but seeing your article I’m pleased it did. Maintain the excellent work!


Spiritual warfare and breathing problems

Lately, I spend an inordinate percentage of my blogging time reading and deleting junk comments. Deleting them because they are, like, clogging up my bandwidth, man; reading them because you never know when the spam machine is going to cough up something lovely or at least useful, something I can repurpose as content. Something like this:

spiritual warfare and breathing problems

order of operations word problem

algebra 2 problems

monovision problem

preschool behavior problem

or this:

elegram taurus worktable? cottony, clipboard cottony.
polygynous proverbial buxtehude seagram frog timon, telegram
andover libido escape libido constrain.

mingle heathen frog

airplane mingle idiom? timon, seagram redemptive.
operon jasper libido lash mingle elute, heathen
operon oval saxophone idiom polygynous.

stepmother taurus timon

mingle buxtehude saxophone? townsend, refer escape.

redemptive democrat.

or this:

monetary monotonous Kerouac.panning buffets.thunderbolt