Today I decided that it’s time for me to finally listen to Lulu, the album Lou Reed made with Metallica back in 2011. At the time the buzz on it was so uniformly brutal that I gave it a pass — that being the pre-streaming era, at least for me, I would have had to secure the actual CD, which seemed risky.

In the intervening years I’ve heard some people say it’s not that bad, and a few even claim it’s a lost masterpiece. But I’ve never had the guts to actually tackle it. Then I heard Laurie Anderson’s recent live album, which includes a version of one of the songs using isolated tracks of Lou’s vocal, so now I am Curious.

As with my valiant but doomed tilt at Metal Machine Music, I figure the only way is to write my way through it. The 10 tracks clock in at an intimidating 87 minutes, but it’s a rainy afternoon in Humboldt, so what the hell. As I click the Play button it’s 2:12 PM PDT.

Out of the gate, it’s briskly strummed acoustic guitars. Nothing too scary. And here’s Lou talking about Boris Karloff and… boom! Here comes the noise. It’s getting a bit hairy, but this first song is only a little over 4 minutes, how bad can it be? Sheets of noise now, pounding drums, and someone singing the phrase “smalltown girl” over and over.

Not a real promising start.

Track 2 is sludgy, headbanger stuff. Lou sounds energized, it’s listenable enough, if not really in my wheelhouse.

Now we have strings and a nagging, buzzing guitar… a little Bauhausy actually… building in intensity, but not really going anywhere. A bit trying but survivable.

“Mistress Dread” is speed metal, Lou is moaning “I’m a woman who likes men,” Lars Ullrich is really indulging himself. Four minutes into the seven I’ve had more than enough. What is Lou trying to get at here? What’s the goal? Urgh, look at those track times… there’s a long way still to go….

Hey, for a second there they sounded like Pavement… this one is called “Iced Honey” and it’s the first one so far I can imagine myself listening to again voluntarily.

On to the first really long track, “Cheat on Me,” 11:27. It’s quiet at first. Pretty even. Lou appears 3 minutes in. “Why do I cheat on me?” is the musical question. It becomes a mantra. Louder and louder, running in circles. At 5 minutes this would have been OK; 11 and a half is uncalled for.

6 songs down now, 4 to go. Come on, you can do this.

I wonder what Lester Bangs would have said about this? They didn’t have this kind of metal in Lester’s time. He had a love/hate relationship with Lou Reed and with Metal Machine Music, about which he said:

Sentient humans simply find it impossible not to vacate any room where it is playing. With certain isolated exceptions: mutants, mental patients, shriek freaks, masochists, sadists, amphetamine addicts, hate buffs, drug-numbed weirdos too walled off by chemicals to feel anything, other people whose nervous systems are already so bent out of shape that it sounds perfectly acceptable, the last category possibly including the author of this article.

This one is called “Frustration,” and that’s about right… there’s a glimmer of something there, just out of frame. “I want so much to hurt you,” says Lou. At least he’s honest about it. And now a burst of energy that carries me safely through the last two minutes.

And this one is called “Little Dog.” I expect something awful is going to happen to the little dog. “Heart of a Dog” was the name of the movie Laurie made about their dog Lolabelle… among other things. Acoustic again with squeals of feedback creeping in around the edges. The phrases “pathetic little dog” and “sniffing my shit” are repeated many times… then it’s over and we’re down to 2 last tracks.

There’s some line in here about how you think you’re special and no law applies to you… which reminds me that tonight That Fucking Guy will be creating a huge headache for everyone by coming to a basketball game that he surely cares nothing about. The other day I had this vision of Victor Wembanyama sprinting into the crowd and tearing him limb from limb as the crowd roars, and now I can’t get it out of my head. I’m not saying that Wemby is secretly a robot created for the express purpose of dismembering the president who has been carefully hiding his super-strength until now… but it would be cool if he was.

“Dragon” is still going, the riffage is heavy, and I can’t say I’m loving it but it’s fading out now. As Ackroyd used to say, now that wasn’t so good, was it?

Finally on to “Junior Dad,” the one Laurie adapted/covered. One minute in now, 18 to go.

It’s a slow burner. A guitar comes in, then another…. There’s plenty of time to look up the lyrics, which go like this:

Would you come to me
If I was half drowning
An arm above the last wave

Would you come to me
Would you pull me up
Would the effort really hurt you
Is it unfair to ask you
To help pull me up

The window broke the silence of the matches
The smoke effortlessly floating

Pull me up
Would you be my lord and savior
Pull me up by my hair
Now would you kiss me, on my lips

Burning fever burning on my forehead
The brain that once was listening now
Shoots out its tiresome message

Won’t you pull me up
Scalding, my dead father
Has the motor and he’s driving towards
An island of lost souls

Sunny, a monkey then to monkey
I will teach you meanness, fear and blindness
No social redeeming kindness
Or oh, state of grace

Would you pull me up
Would you drop the mental bullet
Would you pull me by the arm up
Would you still kiss my lips
Hiccup, the dream is over
Get the coffee, turn the lights on
Say hello to junior dad
The greatest disappointment
Age withered him and changed him
Into junior dad
Psychic savagery

The greatest disappointment
The greatest disappointment
Age withered him and changed him
Into junior dad

“Island of lost souls” reminds me that there was a reference to Dr. Moreau in the first song. That must mean something.

Less than 15 minutes to go now. How about a piece of candy? You deserve it.

Three chords over and over… and is that viola? As we enter the last 10 minutes I begin to feel elated. No major injuries so far, and for a minute the music is droning like Eno when he was good. Wish they had worked together more… “In Our Sleep,” the song on Laurie’s Bright Red that Eno produced and Lou sang on, was a keeper.

Droning on and on… not necessarily in a bad way… this has some atmosphere to it and is quickly running down the clock to the last few minutes. As it fades out the cat has jumped up and started to purr and all is right with the world,

Mission accomplished; I’m not in any huge hurry to hear Lulu again, but I need not fear it now. I might play “Iced Honey’ on the show this week; I might even throw on “Junior Dad” next time I need something long for a bathroom break. In the fullness of time, many things come to pass.