The most surprising thing that happened this week was that a majority of my fellow Americans decided to again make the worst person in the world also the most powerful. I keep thinking that’s a bad idea, maybe it’s just me?

I was also surprised to find that my initial reaction to this news was not, “Let me go drown myself in bourbon.” It was more, “Let me stay healthy and fit so I can dance upon this motherfucker’s grave singing ‘Hallelujah.’” (Oh yes, we will have a music that day, my friends.) I’m not saying I’ve entirely followed that course — there has been some bourbon — but on the whole I am encouraged by the resiliency I’m seeing from all of us who had our hearts broken on Tuesday.

Maybe it just hasn’t really sunk in yet and the freakout is still to come. So let’s use this moment of relative clarity to ask: What does it all mean, exactly, on a practical level?

• Four years of getting all my news from Stephen Colbert, The Daily Show, and sometimes Seth Meyers, Weekend Update, or Jimmy Kimmel. I’ll miss my TV friends Rachel Maddow, Ari Melber, Chris Hayes, Anderson Cooper, and the toothsome twosome of Abby Phillip and Kaitlan Collins, but straight news is off the menu for the foreseeable future.
• Likewise, I need to figure out how to engage with the New York Times when necessary without accidentally coming across any “Why the Democrats Suck” think pieces that will make my BP spike. OMG, NYT, you didn’t help then and you’re not helping now. Shut the fuck up.
• It’s time for California to start thinking seriously about seceding from the union. Unfortunately we don’t have an army; for this and a hundred other reasons, secession is probably impractical. But I really enjoy imagining it, so don’t rain on my parade.
• This is a good time to invest in alcohol-related businesses. Brewers, winemakers, distillers, and other producers and purveyors of intoxicating liquids are likely to be among the few who truly prosper from That Fucking Guy’s policies.

Speaking of which, can I continue to use the alias That Fucking Guy/TFG for a whole presidential term? I really and truly thought that after this election I could just forget about him for a good long time. I guess I could go back to not writing about politics, and maybe I will; but at the moment I’m still in that mindset where if I don’t get my thoughts together in some coherent form, I feel like my head will explode.

OK, I think that’s enough to stave off the combustion for today. Over and out for now.