After I read the main obituaries in the Sunday Times, my eyes wander over to the smaller ones with the tiny, tiny type. If I were a perfect reading machine I would absorb all of these — the lives there summarized are often as interesting as the ones that get the big writeups, and since they are paid for by the word, every column inch is a testament to the fact that someone was beloved (or at least wealthy).

Usually I pick one or two that catch me eye. This week I was particularly struck by one headlined “DEAN—Joe.” Apparently these little ones aren’t available online, so here’s a picture:

I think this may be the perfect obituary. Warm and genial expression? Check. Age-appropriate but not horrifying picture? Check. Terse, to the point text that makes every word count and praises its subject without getting all flowery? Check. I’d like mine to be similar if possible.

In other death news, this week the Stark Fist of Removal came for Marvin Lee Aday, better known to the world as Meat Loaf. On the one hand, this is of course sad. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” was one of the pinnacles of 20th century culture. Don’t snicker; the fucker is epic.


On the other hand, he was sort of asking for it. “If I die, I die, but I’m not going to be controlled,” he said, explaining why he would not be vaccinated. And so he did.

I wonder if at any point he was heard to sing “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Get Vaxxed).”

Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress. Peace out.