One less Dick in the world

The Dick Clark hologram will look something like this.

Speaking of holograms, will we see a hologram of young Dick Clark standing next to Ryan Seacrest this New Year’s, á la Anakin Skywalker?

I have to admit that, upon hearing that Clark had died, my immediate reaction was “Thank goodness — now our New Year’s Eves will no longer be haunted by the spectre of his grotesque visage.” Then I felt bad about that — I don’t necessarily have anything against Dick Clark. I have no idea what kind of person he was in real life, though the fact that he looked so young for so long was always suggestive of some kind of deal with the devil. Having that stroke that paralyzed part of his face humanized him, but I really didn’t want to see him anymore after that.

It’s my own fault really for not avoiding the horrific spectacle that is the televised ball-drop. I hate everything about it, from the general tone of frantic, forced enthusiasm to everyone involved, be it Seacrest, the Black Eyed Peas, or (ugh) Kathy Griffin. And yet somehow it is hard to get away from. It’s as if I must punish myself in order to be cleansed in preparation for the new year. Must it always be thus, or will the departure of Dick Clark for the next plane of existence set me free? I guess we’ll find out in seven and a half months.

The Future of Music

Well, I knew something like this was inevitable, but for some reason I always thought it would be robots. Apparently, a hologram of the late Tupac Shakur joined Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg onstage at Coachella on Sunday.

Is this a good idea? A bad idea? A terrible idea? It doesn’t matter — holographic entertainment is here to stay. It just makes too much sense. Holograms are going to be cheaper than real musicians, not to mention more reliable. No more “The singer is holed up in his dressing room with three groupies and a big pile of coke and won’t come out”; if he gives you trouble, just reboot him.

I can imagine whole package tours of holograms coming to town: a 50s tour headlined by Elvis; a 60s tour with the Fab Four topping the bill; for the 70s, I don’t know, maybe young Dave Bowie co-headlining with Bob Marley? Representing the 80s, Devo back when they didn’t suck; and for the 90s, who else but Kurt Cobain? I don’t know how his living bandmates would feel about that, but it definitely seems like the kind of idea Courtney would go for.

Maybe this concept horrifies you. Maybe it should. But can you guarantee you won’t be tempted when Hologram Jimi Hendrix comes to town? I can’t.