Headline of the day, week, month, and possibly year

From today’s Chronicle, page B2:

Naked Man Gets Stuck in Chimney

Apparently this poor bastard stumbled home after closing time Friday night, only to find himself locked out of the house where he was staying in Hayward. His alcohol-assisted decision process led him to believe that a) the best thing to do was to go in through the chimney, and b) his clothes would only get in the way. He started rappelling down the chimney using the TV cable, which snapped. Let’s fast-forward a little bit: “His muffled calls for help finally prompted a neighbor to phone police about 6:30 a.m.”

I bet you feel a lot better about whatever stupid thing you did this weekend, don’t you?

Tan in 60 Seconds

The Express on the floor is folded open to an ad with the headline “GET TAN IN 60 SECONDS.”

Now excuse me, but wouldn’t any tan you could get in 60 seconds be better described as “radiation burns”?

Colbert Does It Again

In case you missed it, it’s not too late to catch a rerun of last night’s Colbert Report, which contained a brilliant riff inspired by an article in the Journal of Paleolimnology. (How many TV shows can say that?) The Journal published a study theorizing that, rather than walking on water, Jesus could in fact have been walking on a freakish patch of ice. (What an idiotic thing to study — but never mind.)

Stephen took offense at this, and by way of proving that it is possible to walk on water, showed a clip from the Cars’ “Magic” video, where Ric Ocasek strolls across the surface of a swimming pool. That would have been enough for me, but the camera panned left to reveal Ric Ocasek himself, who testified that a) he was not walking on ice in the video and b) he was willing to give Jesus the benefit of the doubt.

Then Ocasek helped Stephen add the Journal of Paleolimnology to his “On Notice” board, and Stephen asked Ocasek if there was anyone he’d like to add. Ocasek replied “Todd Rundgren,” a reference to the fact that Rundgren is currently touring with a couple of ex-Cars in a band called “the New Cars.” Rundgren was added to the board and Cars fans everywhere slept a little easier.

The Bright Side of Disaster

You want positive and life-affirming? How about these items from 1906 editions of the Chronicle, showing the upside of the great San Francisco earthquake and fire.

April 26
To the hoboes and tramps that infest San Francisco in large numbers throughout the year, the earthquake came as the forerunner of a time of plenty. Amid the general destitution that the country is doing its utmost to relieve, the tramps are passing themselves off as sufferers of the disaster and are living much better than they usually fare.

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A Brief Misanthropic Rant

I did not come to the Hudson Bay Café tonight intending to launch into a brief misanthropic rant. My intention was to read some Don Quixote, but the endless vacuous blather of the college girls at the next table has made that impossible. Yes, I could move to another table, but I’m in the cherry spot of the café and loath to give it up. Instead I’ve been trying to make their heads explode with my mind powers, so far without success.

How can they talk so goddamn much? This always amazes me. I am a man of few words, by nature and by choice. I’ve never quite understood how people can generate a nonstop stream of chatter that goes on for hours. Sometimes I envy them; fewer awkward silences. But at the moment I am filled with loathing. Could just be a case of the Mondays.

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