Both of you who follow this space have noticed that there isn’t much baseball coverage. There’s a reason for this: It’s because I can’t watch, discuss, or think about baseball without falling into a powerful slumber. Baseball is so slow, so profoundly unsexy, that some men use thoughts of it to delay orgasm.
But at the moment it’s the only game in town. The Raiders are just starting to think about getting revved up; the Warriors are in the middle of the most successful part of their year, which is the offseason; and the World Cup is gone, not to return till 2006. So baseball will be today’s topic. I have just downed a large cup of Peet’s finest and will valiantly strive to fill my allotted space before being overcome by unconsciousness.
Apparently, while I was staying up till the middle of the night to watch the World Cup, the A’s went on a tremendous tear. Who knew? Last I remember, they were in a baffling tailspin. Now they’re only 5 games out of first place, with a very reasonable chance of making the playoffs. In the name of investigating this phenomenon, I sat down Friday night to watch my first inning of baseball in more than a month.
This turned out to be the ideal baseball experience. As I kicked off my shoes and settled onto the couch, the game was entering the ninth inning with the A’s and Kansas City Royals tied 1–1. In the top of the inning, we had what appeared to be tragedy: A’s left fielder Adam Piatt gruesomely misplayed a fly ball, allowing it to roll under his glove and all the way to the wall. One runner scored and the batter went to third, where he was quickly brought home by a sacrifice fly.
So the home team was down 3-1 as it entered its last at-bat in the shadow of Mount Davis. The 53,000 fans lured by the promise of post-game fireworks were apprehensive, but were brought to life by Miguel Tejada, who beat out an infield single and advanced to second base on an error. After David Justice walked, a single by Jermaine Dye brought in Tejada. That made it 3-2 with one out and two on as John Mabry came to the plate.
And then came a moment of real baseball poetry. Mabry, a left-handed hitter, sliced the ball off the end of his bat down the left-field line. Tejada scored easily to tie the game, but it appeared that the Royals’ Michael Tucker would reach the ball in time to hold Eric Byrnes, who was running for Justice, at third. This was when something truly odd happened: The ball got hung up behind an electric heater that had been placed in the foul area where the A’s pitchers were warming up.
Time slowed down as Tucker attempted to circumnavigate the heater to retrieve the ball. Meanwhile, the security guard and the A’s pitchers scattered to avoid touching the ball or obstructing Tucker; had they done so, the umpire would have stopped Byrnes at third. After a very long moment Tucker got to the ball, but by then it was too late — Byrnes had crossed the plate with the winning run. The game was over, Mabry was mobbed by his teammates, and the crowd went wild. And then there were fireworks.
Every baseball game should be like this: 20 minutes long, loaded with drama, and decided by a bizarre force majeure. But it ain’t gonna happen, so that concludes our baseball coverage for the time being. That ought to hold us for a couple weeks, anyway.
Premature ejaculation is one of the most common forms of performance anxiety in men and is also one of the hardest to overcome simply because it is more of a mental problem than a physical sexual dysfunction