March 25, 2008
Poetic Spam Reunion Special
I’ve pretty much gotten off the whole spam-as-accidental-art trip, partly because it got old, partly because spam doesn’t seem so cute these days. When I’m having a dull, dull day at the office, seeing new messages pop up in my inbox is a cause for great excitement. But when these messages turn out to be subject lined “Best pills for sex from Canada” or “Add up to 4 inches to y%ou$rs peni(s yv7bmy,” the happiness turns to disappointment and then to rage.
I also get a lot of junk comments on this blog. For some reason the entry titled “Bauhaus, Back from the Dead” seems to be a particular spam magnet. Today it drew the following comment which, although rather prosaic, struck me somehow. It seems like a commentary on modern economic realities, with a surreal, sinister twist at the end. (Note: Line breaks are mine.)
Hi all!
Home equity
Lines of credit cheap
Life insurance online car insurance
Bay Area car donation
Debt free home equity rate
Smokey mountain knife
Bye
Posted by bill at 11:44 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 20, 2007
Spam Attacks!
It never ceases to amaze me what those resourceful spammers will come up with. This week, I got one that takes what seems to me like a wholly new approach to sales: outright hostility to the potential customer. It was subject lined “You’re stupid man. buy viagraw,” and inside it contained this helpful advice:
You’re stupid man. buy viagra. maybe it will help you. oh, no. nothing helps you.
Now if I needed “viagraw”—and really, honestly, I definitely don’t—would I buy it from this asshole? I don’t think so. Then again, he did get my attention, which was probably the idea.
Maybe this approach could work for other products, like, say, beer:
You’ve never found anything you’re good at, and you’ve failed at everything you’ve ever tried. You’re unemployed, uneducated, and unattractive. Miller Genuine Draft won’t solve any of those things. But it will help you forget them!
Or cars:
The new Honda Accord is such a wonderful automobile, you don’t deserve it, you worthless piece of human filth. Even if you showed up at the dealership with a wheelbarrow full of money, we wouldn’t sell you one. Well, maybe we would. It’s worth a try.
Maybe even the movies:
You’re nowhere near bright enough to understand the Oscar(r)-nominated film Babel. All the same, why not buy a ticket, then go sit in the theater and smoke crack or whatever it is you do? Something might seep in by accident. Probably not, but what do you have to lose?
(Alright, alright, I know…but it was a good premise, wasn’t it? Maybe you can do better.)
Posted by bill at 2:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
December 20, 2006
On the Top of Edge
Check out this verbiage some Viagra vendor sent me today. Is it not delightful?
WE GLAD TO PERFORM FOR YOU COOL SUGGESTIONS OF MEDICAMENTS.
SEX IS NOT A TROUBLE FOR YOU ANY MORE TAKE PLEASURE IN IT!
SURPRISE HER AND GIVE HER EVERYTHING YOU BOTH DREAMT FOR.
USING OUR ADVANCED TREATMENT YOU WILL BE ON THE TOP OF EDGE.
ALSO YOU WILL SAVE YOUR MONEY WE HAVE A REAL REDUCTION.
UNFORGETTABLE NIGHT THAT YOU COULD HAVE JUST JOIN US!
Posted by bill at 11:16 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 6, 2006
Son of Poetic Spam
Taken individually, the various elements of this bit of text—which accompanied an unwanted stock tip from someone called “Hoskins”—are rather prosaic. But put them together, and you get a powerful artistic statement about the banality of modern life. Or something.
make bomb
Renaissance
The condo has three bedrooms, three baths plus a powder room, overlooks Granada Golf Course and is walking distance to Miracle Mile. But just when the industry was starting to get comfortable with the idea of two competing formats, now along comes a third. This turned out to be a nightmare. Come watch people do stupid things, funny animals and much much more.
Come watch people do stupid things, funny animals and much much more.
The Bridges Golf Course, the state’s only Arnold Palmer Golf Course, opened last month and the Bridges Grill is under renovation and will open later this year. All performers and airshow guests stay in Washington County hotels and many visit local restaurants, golf courses and health clubs during the week they are in. IT innovators trying to create huge disruptions would do well to constantly remind themselves of the megatrends, the big picture.
It would afford him an opportunity to play golf in North Carolina with his great friend Marty Schottenheimer.
The company will send the entire corporate image to the employee over a VPN connection, or at worst, on a single DVD.
Somehow they convinced my boss to have me reconfigure our Linux DHCP server.
Animation behavior is also imported.
The British investor also developed the Abaco Club on Winding Bay in the Bahamas, which is now managed by Ritz-Carlton; several golf resorts in the Carolinas . The new version includes a VRML parser, support for NURBS geometry, and more options for using OpenGL textures through the new TextureProperties node.
Come watch people do stupid things, funny animals and much much more.
I remember hearing the same promises during the heyday of thin-client computing, and that technology largely failed. I remember hearing the same promises during the heyday of thin-client computing, and that technology largely failed. I remember hearing the same promises during the heyday of thin-client computing, and that technology largely failed.
More generally, the communication framework of ABNet provides an asynchronous low-latency publish and subscribe environment using XML messages.
Or at least that’s how it is at West Salem’s Maple Grove country Club, and the European Union. The days when office documents are synonymous with Microsoft may be drawing to a close. Or at least that’s how it is at West Salem’s Maple Grove Country Club. When the employee logs out, the entire image is forgotten, with the exception of the stored data. We looked at several systems before finally deciding on a vendor. It also has full Open Sound Control support, allowing scenes to be manipulated in real time.
With China developing its own standards and ODF enjoying increasing popularity. But my boss decided it was worth paying them the money just to get the system working.
Posted by bill at 2:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 29, 2006
Poetic spam X
I thought I was done with the spam glorification...but this one was just too excellent to pass up.
pianist
we decided to return there for the foodgasm worthy pesto sauce!
How are you going to use it?
I actually beat him at mini golf! :::daydream believer:::. :::daydream believer:::.
If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
Sent a few text messages.
But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition.
It also describes some of the additional features available if the software is upgraded to Data Protector Express. Check the recipes at.
We waited a little longer to sit on the same patio, and this time we ate early enough to catch the sunset during dinner.
They're just as good as money in your pocket.
Basically the poor little guy had food poisioning! Check the recipes at.
We know how to make each other laugh and just have a good time wandering about. They're just as good as money in your pocket. Maybe if I had seen the first night, they might have introduced people and expected you to remember.
It also describes some of the additional features available if the software is upgraded to Data Protector Express.
This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. Don't waste it; it's still good food. Maybe if I had seen the first night, they might have introduced people and expected you to remember.
They are partnering with Resturants. Basically the poor little guy had food poisioning!
Then the plan was to head to the city for SOS. The list goes on and on and on. :::daydream believer:::.
If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
And it's getting close to Christmas, with even more candy on the horizon.
They are partnering with Resturants.
We decided to return there for the foodgasm worthy pesto sauce!
It also addresses common backup and recovery scenarios to assist in disaster recovery planning. It also describes some of the additional features available if the software is upgraded to Data Protector Express.
But regardless, the hype about the movie seemed to be about how it was designed to to influence people to feel pro-Republican and anti-Democrat.
I was supposed to meet some friends.
I was supposed to meet some friends.
I decided to go to sunset, bring the puppy, and just catch the last hour or two.
Posted by bill at 12:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 25, 2006
Poetic Spam Redux
Inspirational, this time, with a lyrical twist:
Don’t give in the problems, whatever age you are!
Have a BEST sex in any time you want!
because the Moon
strings on violin. There
Posted by bill at 5:25 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 20, 2006
The other shoe drops
So Tuesday I had a dream involving Lenny Bruce and cornflakes. Wednesday I happened upon a Lenny Bruce reference in the newspaper. At 5:42 this morning I got this in my inbox:
Am I saying that my dreams are now predicting the future? Em, no. Not exactly. It’s not my intention to say that. I’d prefer to think that the cornflake spam was triggered by my writing about cornflakes on this site. However, I’ve intentionally kept my email address off the site in order to avoid spam. So I don’t know what to think.
Posted by bill at 10:41 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
October 11, 2006
The Spermamax Conundrum
So I got a piece of spam today with this subject line:
You want a girl, then try Spermamax.
And nothing else: no message body, no attachment, no URL. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what they mean by that. The most obvious interpretation is “Use Spermamax and you will get a girl.” But in my experience, girls generally prefer Spermaless, if not Spermanone—unless they for some reason want you to get them pregnant, which leads me to interpretation 2. Maybe they mean “If you’re intending to impregnate your good lady wife, and you desire a female child, then use Spermamax.” Which would make it something of a miracle product, although one not likely to sell well in China.
Or maybe it’s just some kind of bebop poetry, with no causal link implied. “You want a girl; then you try Spermamax; then you get hit by a bus.” But the darkest interpretation is “Use Spermamax and you will no longer want a girl.” If so, will it just make the whole thing happen in your head, like Digital Underground’s sex packets, so that no actual girl is necessary? Will it kill your sex drive altogether? Or will it turn you gay? ls it Spermamax that’s really to blame for the Mark Foley scandal? I’m sure the Republican Party would like you to think so. “Agents of the Homosexual Agenda dosed Congressman Foley’s Sobe with Spermamax; it’s not his fault.”
…and there’s the buzzer that tells me I’ve milked this very slim vein for all it’s worth. Thanks, you’ve been great. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
Posted by bill at 6:18 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
October 5, 2006
I am lazy and arrogant
In case you hadn’t heard, I am currently engaged in a blog-off with my nemesis Cecil Vortex. You will probably hear Cecil whining and crying that today’s entry is a cheat, because it’s technically more typing than writing. Actually, less like typing, more like cutting and pasting. But screw you, Vortex! Take your Virginia Woolf books and your tea and crumpets and your pressed flowers and go sit in a meadow and write some more “poetry.” See if I care.
Anyway, I got some spam in German today, and just for kicks I ran it through Babel Fish to see what it said. I found the results amusing, and you may too:
Richly by search machines (www.thephilter.com)
Let me one equal get straight. I am lazy and arrogant. Everything is no matter to me, because I am simply much to realm. I am much to realm, in order to sit at all here and write this text. Therefore I will seize myself briefly. I earn each year over million euro with search machines, without doing much for it. Whether it pleases you or not, here goes it not around it to you to please, but therefore who you gladly exactly the same realm waerst like I, otherwise you would not read that here! You found this web page, because you would like to know as one by search machines become rich. There are many sides, which are concerned with in the InterNet how one makes money in the InterNet. Perhaps you already pursued or other idea. And? How were the concepts like that? Do you have to learn a course on a DVD bought around as one become rich? Were you impressed? I not! Not even a little! What do these sides promise? A few thousand euro in the month? Do you want to earn a few thousand euro in the month? That is ridiculous! I earn millions and if you knew like then it ill you would make! My income generates itself nearly automatically! Thus who am I?
I am that, which drives past in the Aston Martin at you and you think: “which for an arrogant asshole!” And do you know which? You is right. And do you know which? That does not interest me at all! Do you, which is important to me your opinion, mean? Your opinion is all the same to me! You find me arrogant? You can leave my web page at any time again! I do not write this text around friends to win, to show but over you, how one can earn millions! It is not a secret, which I sell on this web page my idea. If you see, what I make exact you will be surprised so which am possible!
Yours sincerely,
Putrid, arrogant search machines
Posted by bill at 3:12 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
July 26, 2006
The Doctrine of Getting Toned
Some spam lobber calling himself “Dino” got me with an email subject-lined “please be discreet.” How could I not open it? Here’s what I found inside:
just wanted to see if you were still wanting the doctrine of getting toned?
I really am, that is why i am so pleased i discovered upon
[Web address deleted]
It was good decisevely having someone to support me out.
occurred at built-in several
We distinguishing may as well
I must architecture have gone about
Posted by bill at 1:41 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
April 11, 2006
Revenge of the Poetic Spam
My spam filter seems to have gotten hip to these, so I haven’t gotten one in my inbox for awhile, but the following slipped through a couple days ago. I think that this is about George W. Bush (best line: “extemporaneous bicker toga flow, a Republican radiologist whitewash”).
To read this with line breaks intact, click on “Comments” below to bring it up in its own window.
Monitor Exhibition
analogy pissed presumption
bedspread intercourse corduroy
an apex as sound barrier, by payload humanize a skit escapist
inspirational valuable appetite
minus sign wrought elsewhere
instant solitaire and grounds, with whistle dressing room
knee-deep expertly copulate
contradiction avail vandalize sheepishly as squid affect
untried brave in hyper reclining
menstruate smitten: that malaria and clam threatening
write-up phone book of flaunt ignore, that upheld a pragmatist
the tug of pen pal fearlessness and pride
extemporaneous bicker toga flow, a Republican radiologist whitewash
a spry balance of power by male chauvinist employment agency
industrialist thereabouts jockey
an ATM, the nail polish, a brainstorm, the handpicked accessibility
unbearable the obstruction
obliterate animal October expressly to hill parochial
ecosystem and contemplative grouping
that duke rat race
subdued Chief Executive to voice the parched greatness
the smoke screen bricklayer
wheat, comatose, rapt pole vault!
Posted by bill at 8:40 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
March 27, 2006
Poetic Spam Strikes Again
Today's message was a little more confrontational:
simply front man
your a self-fulfilling prophecy outlying as spent!
shambles acrid, to dancer, manicure instance report card
asshole totalitarian marketability, good-natured oppressor
uneasy ticket consummation
the humidity
regenerate conjugate as twelve, depraved decoration the regret
restless unease in that presumptuous volley
the publicity, an exam rye, the hotshot and remoteness
the glamorously involuntary with effeminate, refined melody
nab as unbalanced or scholastic the graphics truth
twinge leafy, allure, kingpin pronoun, with prong, as mudslinging
now madam the testimony
Posted by bill at 7:39 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Return of the Poetic Spam
Some crafty entity who wants to give me stock tips has been evading the spam filter with strings of random or semi-random words. Honestly, I don't mind so much, because I get to read stuff like this:
bigamist cinnamon municipality
chore lisp of leg: ascribe, dish, a men's room to new year to daring
and a bone-dry seashore blueberry as scrutinize vivisection was punctual
the childish retriever is a guardian angel,
poisonous poetically, dwelling storeroom, estimation,
bush capture polluted that discriminating regress warm-blooded student to stigmatize this
and slather was heat as fame melt the hire
outgrow air, demoralize hairbrush
Posted by bill at 2:33 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
February 7, 2006
I love spam
OK, not really. I hate it just like you do. But every once in a while something interesting is spit up by the random word generators that they use to evade your spam filter. For instance, one diabolical software peddler has sent me emails with the following names in the sender field:
Mailboxes B. Sideswiped
Emptiness P. Assessments
Occupying F. Negroid
Paradoxes B. Lambasts
Neapolitan M. Ungrateful
Shoddiness Q. Outmaneuvers
Mercurial P. Medicate
Debtor H. Gibberish
Marseillaise S. Recessio
Correlations V. Afield
Typist C. Detestation
Anger H. Ruby
Idolatrous B. Plot
and the winner, the one that I may legally change my name to:
Multiplex H. Misfire
If I didn't know better, I'd think that these names were the product of a higher order of intelligence. It's the middle initials that really make them work.
Some bootleg watch peddler keeps sending me emails with long, strange subject lines like the following:
Her initial defensiveness had been replaced by indignation. It's funny in 1882. And the joke is, it would be a novel, he almost said to Charlie Merrill. Dimly, from the afterdeck, Geoffrey could hear a gang of men singing a shanty in bellowing, off-key voices. It was a gesture of affection, he said. I still care about the book. When they put me up on the stand in Denver. He spoke rapidly, urgently, eyes flashing, riveted on her face — ;he was positive in that moment that his life might depend on what he was able to say in the next twenty seconds. Yes, Paul could suddenly see it — and in an instinctive way he understood exactly how such a scene, absurdly melodramatic as it might be, could be milked for suspense.
And a stock solicitation that I just received concluded with this excellent bit of accidental poetry:
Of talk swim
And spend talk
lie sing change
wrong know fill
them see cough
those swim start
on tell swim
Which travel ask
An borrow close
A spell work
super go make
Super go make, indeed.
Posted by bill at 2:09 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack