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June 26, 2002
How to Win the World Cup in 3 Easy Steps
It’s difficult, sometimes, to be burdened with so much knowledge.
For instance, I know how the U.S. can win the next World Cup. So now I am faced with a quandary: Do I go public with this valuable information or keep it to myself?
On the one hand, we have the largesse that would be bestowed upon me by a grateful nation. Ladies, you know what I mean. On the other hand, I’m not so sure I want us to win the Cup. The thrill of victory really should go to a country that lives and dies with its team—not to a country where the World Cup is at best just a distraction that occupies time between the NBA playoffs and the opening of NFL training camp.
On the other other hand, I have some column inches to fill. So here it is: How we can bring the World Cup to the U.S., where it will no doubt gather dust in someone’s attic for four years.
Step 1: Do Something About That Name
What is this “soccer” business, anyway? I mean, really. How is America supposed to embrace a sport with such a silly name?
This should be easy to fix, because the sport we currently call “football” is inappropriately named. Yes, feet are in some way involved in every play, and every dozen plays or so some random little dude comes on to the field and kicks the ball; but on the whole hands are much more important to the game than feet.
So this sport has to change its name to something appropriately all-American and hyperbolic, something like “Superball” or “Destructoball.” Or maybe it could just sell its name to a corporate sponsor—how do you like the sound of “Bud Ball,” “Chevy Truck Ball,” or maybe just “McBall”? (Another possibility, “Microsoft Ball,” just doesn’t have the right ring to it.)
Then we can change “soccer” to “football,” bringing us in line with the rest of the world. That’s a good start, and we move on to…
Step 2: Bring in Athletes from Other Sports
In countries where football is paramount, all the best athletes play it. We are at a disadvantage because many of our best athletes play other sports. The solution is simple: Start preparing athletes from other sports to play in the 2006 World Cup. Four years should be long enough for them to get the hang of it.
Three words: Shaquille O’Neal, goalie. With his ridiculous combination of size and agility, how could anyone get the ball past him? Imagine the tough and speedy Allen Iverson at striker, or Vince Carter rising easily above the pack to head in a corner kick. From Bud Ball, we’ll bring in Charles Woodson, Randy Moss, Edgerrin James, and Junior Seau for tryouts (sorry, no quarterbacks). Baseball players can’t run for 90 minutes and hockey players are all Canadian, but we’ll throw Tiger Woods in there just for the heck of it.
Now we’re getting somewhere. On to…
Step 3: Kill Ourselves
To really compete internationally, the U.S. must close the gap in fan fervor. For instance, a dedicated South Korea fan recently burned himself alive for his team, promising in his suicide note that he would be the “12th man” for the Korean team. Extreme, you say? Perhaps…but you’ll notice that South Korea made it to the semifinals (and perhaps, by the time you read this, to the finals). There’s no arguing with those kind of results.
So in preparation for the 2006 tournament, we must begin developing a specially trained suicide squad. Advanced CIA brainwashing techniques will help. If we could get, say, a dozen citizens to immolate themselves, thus becoming the 12th through 23rd men for the U.S. team, we’d certainly have a leg up. Yes, the flower of American manhood wiping itself out for its country…what could be more touching?
Posted by bill at 3:49 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
June 12, 2002
World Cup Dos and Don’ts
We, as Americans, do not understand the World Cup. People all over the world live and die with their country’s teams, but to us it’s just another sporting event.
I include myself in this. However, out of a combination of boredom and a desire to be cosmopolitan and sophisticated, I have decided to take an interest in this year’s tournament. From my observations I have gathered the following tips for proper enjoyment of the World Cup.
Do have somebody to root for. Having a rooting interest puts the whole thing in a context and gives you a perspective from which to view the proceedings. You can root for the U.S. team if you’re so inclined, but it’s much more satisfying to pull for a country that really cares about the World Cup. If there’s no country in the tournament that you have a spiritual or ethnic connection to, try adopting a friend or co-worker’s team, or one whose name you enjoy saying (such as Senegal or Cameroon).
Don’t count on commercial breaks. This is a key point for fans reared on sports like baseball or football, where frequent commercial breaks provide numerous opportunities to run to the bathroom or kitchen. This enables you to get away with little or no advance planning. In soccer, that approach won’t work—once they start the half, they just keep going until it’s over, which takes at least 45 minutes. So be sure to have your snacks prepared and your bladder emptied before sitting down for the game.
Do watch games on the Spanish channel, even if you don’t speak Spanish. I’ve found that being unable to understand what the broadcasters are saying in no way distracts from enjoyment of the event. In fact, given what idiots most sportscasters are, it may well be a bonus. And you will certainly understand what it means when they shout “Gol!” (“Goal!”) at the tops of their lungs, stretching the vowel sound out for five minutes or more.
Don’t blow it for somebody. Because these games are happening at such inconvenient hours, many people are taping/TiVoing the games for later viewing. In many cases, they won’t get to watch their recording until they get home from work on the day after the match is played. Respect people’s right to not know the outcome of the games until they want to. Don’t, for instance, barge into your friend Willem’s office shouting the name of a team that just pulled off a major upset, as I recently did.
Do celebrate. Because a goal is such a rare event, you are duty bound to go absolutely freaking nuts when your chosen team scores. At a bare minimum, jump up from the couch, run around the room whooping, tear your shirt off, then fall to your knees in a prayerlike posture. If you can do seven backflips like the guy from Nigeria did when he scored, then bonus points for you.
Don’t sweat the details. Don’t let it discourage you that you don’t understand what constitutes offsides or a penalty. I’m not sure that the referees do either; I’m pretty sure they just make it up as they go along based on their perception of how the game should be played (much like NBA referees).
Do skip work to watch the games. Everyone in Europe does it, so why shouldn’t we? Summer’s just around the corner and there’s no better time to slack off. Stay up all night watching, then call in sick the next day, or just disappear around lunchtime to catch the afternoon broadcast. The choice is yours.
Posted by bill at 3:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack