The Philter

This blog lives for comments, so it is very disappointing when one pops up that looks promising and turns out to be a fake—some pleasant-sounding gibberish sent out at random by evil agents of Viagra. They probably think that I will be so flattered by the compliment that I will go ahead and post the comment even though it clearly has nothing to with me.

And in truth I am often tempted to do so; it seems a shame to let them just go to waste, especially since they sometimes contain delightfully off-kilter turns of phrase. So herewith, a few examples:

“Sylvester Weisbrod” on The David Bowie Diet:

Hi, this website delivered in a google listing on Diamond jewelry, it was more or less exactly what I expected but seeing your article I’m pleased it did. Maintain the excellent work!

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Lately, I spend an inordinate percentage of my blogging time reading and deleting junk comments. Deleting them because they are, like, clogging up my bandwidth, man; reading them because you never know when the spam machine is going to cough up something lovely or at least useful, something I can repurpose as content. Something like this:

spiritual warfare and breathing problems

order of operations word problem

algebra 2 problems

monovision problem

preschool behavior problem

or this:

elegram taurus worktable? cottony, clipboard cottony.
polygynous proverbial buxtehude seagram frog timon, telegram
andover libido escape libido constrain.

mingle heathen frog

airplane mingle idiom? timon, seagram redemptive.
operon jasper libido lash mingle elute, heathen
operon oval saxophone idiom polygynous.

stepmother taurus timon

mingle buxtehude saxophone? townsend, refer escape.

redemptive democrat.

or this:

monetary monotonous Kerouac.panning buffets.thunderbolt

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I’ve pretty much gotten off the whole spam-as-accidental-art trip, partly because it got old, partly because spam doesn’t seem so cute these days. When I’m having a dull, dull day at the office, seeing new messages pop up in my inbox is a cause for great excitement. But when these messages turn out to be subject lined “Best pills for sex from Canada” or “Add up to 4 inches to y%ou$rs peni(s yv7bmy,” the happiness turns to disappointment and then to rage.

I also get a lot of junk comments on this blog. For some reason the entry titled “Bauhaus, Back from the Dead” seems to be a particular spam magnet. Today it drew the following comment which, although rather prosaic, struck me somehow. It seems like a commentary on modern economic realities, with a surreal, sinister twist at the end. (Note: Line breaks are mine.)

Hi all!

Home equity
Lines of credit cheap
Life insurance online car insurance
Bay Area car donation
Debt free home equity rate
Smokey mountain knife

Bye

It never ceases to amaze me what those resourceful spammers will come up with. This week, I got one that takes what seems to me like a wholly new approach to sales: outright hostility to the potential customer. It was subject lined “You’re stupid man. buy viagraw,” and inside it contained this helpful advice:

You’re stupid man. buy viagra. maybe it will help you. oh, no. nothing helps you.

Now if I needed “viagraw”—and really, honestly, I definitely don’t—would I buy it from this asshole? I don’t think so. Then again, he did get my attention, which was probably the idea.
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Check out this verbiage some Viagra vendor sent me today. Is it not delightful?

WE GLAD TO PERFORM FOR YOU COOL SUGGESTIONS OF MEDICAMENTS.
SEX IS NOT A TROUBLE FOR YOU ANY MORE TAKE PLEASURE IN IT!
SURPRISE HER AND GIVE HER EVERYTHING YOU BOTH DREAMT FOR.
USING OUR ADVANCED TREATMENT YOU WILL BE ON THE TOP OF EDGE.
ALSO YOU WILL SAVE YOUR MONEY WE HAVE A REAL REDUCTION.
UNFORGETTABLE NIGHT THAT YOU COULD HAVE JUST JOIN US!

Taken individually, the various elements of this bit of text—which accompanied an unwanted stock tip from someone called “Hoskins”—are rather prosaic. But put them together, and you get a powerful artistic statement about the banality of modern life. Or something.

make bomb
Renaissance
The condo has three bedrooms, three baths plus a powder room, overlooks Granada Golf Course and is walking distance to Miracle Mile. But just when the industry was starting to get comfortable with the idea of two competing formats, now along comes a third. This turned out to be a nightmare. Come watch people do stupid things, funny animals and much much more.
Come watch people do stupid things, funny animals and much much more. Read more »

I thought I was done with the spam glorification…but this one was just too excellent to pass up.

pianist
we decided to return there for the foodgasm worthy pesto sauce!
How are you going to use it?
I actually beat him at mini golf! :::daydream believer:::. :::daydream believer:::.
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Inspirational, this time, with a lyrical twist:

Don’t give in the problems, whatever age you are!
Have a BEST sex in any time you want!

because the Moon
strings on violin. There

So Tuesday I had a dream involving Lenny Bruce and cornflakes. Wednesday I happened upon a Lenny Bruce reference in the newspaper. At 5:42 this morning I got this in my inbox:

Am I saying that my dreams are now predicting the future? Em, no. Not exactly. It’s not my intention to say that. I’d prefer to think that the cornflake spam was triggered by my writing about cornflakes on this site. However, I’ve intentionally kept my email address off the site in order to avoid spam. So I don’t know what to think.

So I got a piece of spam today with this subject line:

You want a girl, then try Spermamax.

And nothing else: no message body, no attachment, no URL. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what they mean by that. The most obvious interpretation is “Use Spermamax and you will get a girl.” But in my experience, girls generally prefer Spermaless, if not Spermanone—unless they for some reason want you to get them pregnant, which leads me to interpretation 2. Maybe they mean “If you’re intending to impregnate your good lady wife, and you desire a female child, then use Spermamax.” Which would make it something of a miracle product, although one not likely to sell well in China.

Or maybe it’s just some kind of bebop poetry, with no causal link implied. “You want a girl; then you try Spermamax; then you get hit by a bus.” But the darkest interpretation is “Use Spermamax and you will no longer want a girl.” If so, will it just make the whole thing happen in your head, like Digital Underground’s sex packets, so that no actual girl is necessary? Will it kill your sex drive altogether? Or will it turn you gay? ls it Spermamax that’s really to blame for the Mark Foley scandal? I’m sure the Republican Party would like you to think so. “Agents of the Homosexual Agenda dosed Congressman Foley’s Sobe with Spermamax; it’s not his fault.”

…and there’s the buzzer that tells me I’ve milked this very slim vein for all it’s worth. Thanks, you’ve been great. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.