Desirable Elements of Information

Posted in Golden (State) Years, Spam, wonderful spam on August 29th, 2014 by bill
[caption id="attachment_5250" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Some now living will never die."][/caption] It's been a while since I could just post about whatever I felt like, so I thought I might take a few minutes to update you, faithful readers, about some of my ongoing obsessions.

Abe Vigoda

According to every source of information at my disposal, Abe Vigoda remains alive. Among those who have shuffled off this mortal coil since I last wrote about Abe (2/25/11): Andy Rooney Amy Winehouse Whitney Houston Adam Yauch Donna Summer Ernest Borgnine Sherman Hemsley Gore Vidal Phyllis Diller Jack Klugman Charles Durning Norman Schwartzkopf James Gandolfini Peter O'Toole Slim Whitman Philip Seymour Hoffman Elaine Stritch Robin Williams Just to name a few. Whereas Abe's to-all-appearances-imminent death has been a running gag in popular culture for about 40 years now. Long may he reign.


For years I have been combing my spam comments for amusing tidbits, but at this point, quite frankly, I'm pretty over the whole thing. My tolerance for web spam has gone way down, as conversely my tolerance for meat Spam has gone way up. But just for old times' sake, here are a few favorite sentences from recent months' spam, with the key phrases in bold: "Thanks iin favor of sharing such a fastidious thought, pice of writing is fastidious, thats why i have read it completely." "Hello my family member! I want to say that this article is awesome, nice written and include approximately all important infos." "We give inexpensive custom lanyards all over UK." "Happy myself I stumbled upon your web blog inadvertently, and i am stunned why this particular coincidence failed to was held prior! I bookmarked that." "What’s up, its nice article concerning media print, we all be familiar with media is a enormous source of facts." "Your writing style has been amazed me." "What i do not realize is in truth how you’re not actually a lot more neatly-preferred than you may be right now. You are so intelligent." "Desirable element of information." " I think that you just can do with some p.c. to pressure the message house a bit." "Thanks a lot a great deal and i am looking forward to hint people. Can you nicely decline me a mailbox?" "Beneficial day time great site! Person. Fantastic. Amazing. I’m going to search for your site and use the nourishes moreover." But there's only one that I'm going to post in its entirety, because it is the only one that rises to the level of poetry toward which all spam should aspire: "Several Ghouls with the stars soon enough experienced this rooster sitting down on the floor Julang. Lion conduct yourself decisively. Lava Longsi a good number of on – Normandy development. Exploring girlfriend proclaimed: If you can not believe the item. This lady usually idea Chu all of the 11 pro- grandmother, certainly, checked hence though ethereal singularity.|your feet|base|paws|legs|foot} sideways, Seven swordsmen Ginko nodded stringently Never."

The Golden State Warriors

I feel like I neglected the Dubs a little bit by not writing about their last playoff series. On the other hand, it's kind of a compliment that I no longer see their making the playoffs as shocking and revolutionary. Times have changed for Warriors fans. Our team is no longer a laughingstock, nor even a scrappy team of overachievers (see: 2007). They are a real contender with real expectations on their shoulders. It hurt to see them go down to the LA Clippers in a hard-fought 7-game series, but not as much as it could have. The W's went into the series handicapped by the loss of center Andrew Bogut, who would have been invaluable against the Clips' huge and whiny front line. Then things got weird when Clippers owner Donald Sterling was caught saying horribly racist things and plunged into a scandal that would eventually result in his being forced to sell the team. Initially it seemed like this would help the Warriors, making the Clippers less motivated to win games for a team owned by a man they hated. But in the end it was a wash or may even have helped the Clips pull together in the face of adversity. In any case, it was not the Warriors' year, but this one may be. They jettisoned inspirational but strategy-challenged coach Mark Jackson in favor of impeccably pedigreed but untested Steve Kerr, which I think will turn out to be an upgrade. And while the team didn't change significantly, they are more experienced and added a real backup point guard. If they can stay healthy (oh please, basketball gods, let them stay healthy) the sky's the limit.

Gargling in public

Posted in Spam, wonderful spam on June 26th, 2012 by bill
It's been awhile since I cleaned out my spam comments, but there were some nice ones this time. For instance this one from longtime correspondent "Senethra":
Manipulation and furry has no boundaries upon selfishness. Bold talking of bullshiting . Just F- ing get to f-ing gether already. Spendrella and the green wolf, Damn. I dont need this shit in my back yard. How many black chocolate elgance God wonderful and fearly created without remorse. Im not the damn milk maid. Using and abusing people is agianst the laws of righteousness. Demons, vampires and dangon slaughteres. I live to love openly and passionately for the things th\at nature me back. Deception can sometimes win if the idiot doesnt pay full attention to its were abouts. Direct quotation marks and lots of exclamations. The pragnent women laying in blood because she was stupid not in LOVE. There is no way it could be right and YOU know the *&%^ is FACT, you selfish ass mother fuckers.
Or this one, which is apparently trying to sell me British prostitutes:
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This is not the first time that I've been spammed with the phrase "You managed to hit the nail upon the top." Is this perhaps something English people really say? That would be adorable! This one was posted to my entry on Aloe Blacc. The writer seems quite exercised about something, but I have no idea what they are talking about:
NOOOO!!! NO SHOW ON NICK PLEASE NO!!! It will RUIN their personalities and they won’t be the funny and at times perverted guys that directioners know and love!!! Big time rush is on Nick let them be American show biz puppets and kindly live our boys out it please!!
This one seems to be addressed to a porn star named "Rod," who apparently is a fan of ex-Lakers coach Phil Jackson:
Hi Rod, loved the live show tonight. Glad you found a great place to move to in Phoenix. That is beiggr and cheaper. I agree with you on Kobe and the Lakers. I hate to see Phil Jackson go he is great coach. Love your latest scene, you Mason Star flip flopping each other. I love all your scenes and your the greatest. Have a great week.
But this is my favorite, sucker that I am for all things in list form:
1. Evening gown, G-string, Muffs 2. Eddy’s ice cream, Graham crackers, Muffins 3. Earth shoes (brand), Goofy toe-socks, Mouse sleipprs 4. Easy-chair, Garden chair, Miniature recliner 5. Elvira, Gatsby, Milo 6. Eventide (nursing home), Grandpa’s bathroom, My closet 7. Extra candy canes, Games, Mints 8. Extra-low prices, Great Gift ideas, Merry Christmas 9. Eggs, Granola, Muffins 10. Excavator, Garbage collecter, Mail carrier 11. Eavesdropping, Gargling in public, Munching open-mouthed, 12. Extremely annoying, Groans about everything, Mistake
Mistake? Maybe, maybe not. "Accident," maybe. It makes me think for some reason of the last words of Dutch Schultz...which are always worth thinking about.

Triamterene For Sale

Posted in Spam, wonderful spam on August 21st, 2011 by bill

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Or this one from "Senethra" that, oddly enough, seems to be addressed to Chris Webber rather than me:

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Buy Lasix Without Prescription

Posted in Spam, wonderful spam on October 26th, 2010 by bill

Buy Lasix Without Prescription, Spam comments keep getting sneakier all the time. Lasix dosage, These days they generally take one of two approaches:

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And in the latter case I am indeed often tempted, but I hate to give them the satisfaction, Lasix overnight, Herbal Lasix, the swine. Instead, Lasix samples, Lasix dangers, in continuation of my long-standing tradition of repurposing spam as content, here is a smattering of recent communications from the bots of cyberspace:
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Toprol XL For Sale

Posted in Spam, wonderful spam on June 24th, 2010 by bill

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Spiritual warfare and breathing problems

Posted in Read it in books, Spam, wonderful spam on August 7th, 2008 by bill
Lately, I spend an inordinate percentage of my blogging time reading and deleting junk comments. Deleting them because they are, like, clogging up my bandwidth, man; reading them because you never know when the spam machine is going to cough up something lovely or at least useful, something I can repurpose as content. Something like this:
spiritual warfare and breathing problems
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monovision problem
preschool behavior problem
or this:
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redemptive democrat.

or this:
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I like that: "monetary monotonous Kerouac." It says something. I've always thought Kerouac was overrated, anyway; Capote was right on the mark there. You know who's underrated, or underappreciated anyway? This David Mitchell guy. After Cloud Atlas, I went back to his first novel, Ghostwritten, which is a very similar series of interlinked episodes (some characters even overlap between the two). Mitchell is a wizard. He writes with a brain-melting virtuosity that seems effortless but must have required a lot of hard work (at least I fucking hope so). It's not showoffy brilliance like that of, say, Richard Powers; he writes involving stories with compelling characters, gets you hooked in, then pulls the rug out from under you and starts over again. This is the kind of writing that makes you wish you were smarter, because you just know you're missing something. But as Rumsfeld might have said, you have to read with the brain you have, not the one you wish you had.

Poetic Spam Reunion Special

Posted in Spam, wonderful spam on March 25th, 2008 by bill
I've pretty much gotten off the whole spam-as-accidental-art trip, partly because it got old, partly because spam doesn't seem so cute these days. When I'm having a dull, dull day at the office, seeing new messages pop up in my inbox is a cause for great excitement. But when these messages turn out to be subject lined "Best pills for sex from Canada" or "Add up to 4 inches to y%ou$rs peni(s yv7bmy," the happiness turns to disappointment and then to rage. I also get a lot of junk comments on this blog. For some reason the entry titled "Bauhaus, Back from the Dead" seems to be a particular spam magnet. Today it drew the following comment which, although rather prosaic, struck me somehow. It seems like a commentary on modern economic realities, with a surreal, sinister twist at the end. (Note: Line breaks are mine.)
Hi all!

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Spam Attacks!

Posted in Spam, wonderful spam on February 20th, 2007 by bill
It never ceases to amaze me what those resourceful spammers will come up with. This week, I got one that takes what seems to me like a wholly new approach to sales: outright hostility to the potential customer. It was subject lined "You're stupid man. buy viagraw," and inside it contained this helpful advice:
You're stupid man. buy viagra. maybe it will help you. oh, no. nothing helps you.
Now if I needed "viagraw" — and really, honestly, I definitely don't — would I buy it from this asshole? I don't think so. Then again, he did get my attention, which was probably the idea. Maybe this approach could work for other products, like, say, beer: You've never found anything you're good at, and you've failed at everything you've ever tried. You're unemployed, uneducated, and unattractive. Miller Genuine Draft won't solve any of those things. But it will help you forget them! Or cars: The new Honda Accord is such a wonderful automobile, you don't deserve it, you worthless piece of human filth. Even if you showed up at the dealership with a wheelbarrow full of money, we wouldn't sell you one. Well, maybe we would. It's worth a try. Maybe even the movies: You're nowhere near bright enough to understand the Oscar(r)-nominated film Babel. All the same, why not buy a ticket, then go sit in the theater and smoke crack or whatever it is you do? Something might seep in by accident. Probably not, but what do you have to lose? (Alright, alright, I know...but it was a good premise, wasn't it? Maybe you can do better.)

On the Top of Edge

Posted in Spam, wonderful spam on December 20th, 2006 by bill

Son of Poetic Spam

Posted in Spam, wonderful spam on December 6th, 2006 by bill
Taken individually, the various elements of this bit of text — which accompanied an unwanted stock tip from someone called "Hoskins" — are rather prosaic. But put them together, and you get a powerful artistic statement about the banality of modern life. Or something.

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