Page 2

The front page news today was all about the weather — which still, after all these years, no one does anything about — and Iowa, where Democrats voted (sorry, “caucused”) for an African-American and Republicans voted (sorry, “caucused”) for a theocracy. On days like this I am drawn to page 2, where the odd and interesting items congregate. Today was particularly juicy:

• At Gettysburg Hospital in Pennsylvania, the same couple, Kyle and Becky Armstong, had the first baby born in the new year for the second year in a row. I can’t help but picture them sitting in bed with a stopwatch on March 31st, waiting for midnight before going at it like wild animals.

• In New York, a window washer who fell 47 stories is recovering surprisingly well, considering that “Both legs and his right arm and wrist wrist were broken in several places,” “He had severe injuries to his chest, his abdomen and his spinal column,” and “His brain was bleeding.” Bystanders were amazed when, shortly after hitting the pavement, the man told paramedics it was “only a flesh wound.”

• In Houma, Louisiana, police were called to calm a dispute between two, um, big eaters and an all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant. Apparently the two men became irate when they were charged extra for eating too much. The great quote from this story: “I was stunned, that somebody would say something like that. I ain’t that fat. I only weigh 277.”

• And the piece de resistance: In northern India, the government was criticized for proposing a program that would pay unemployed youths to sterilize monkeys. It seems that both unemployment and monkey overpopulation are big problems in that part of the world. According the the AP story, “In recent months, the deputy mayor of New Delhi was killed when he fell from his balcony during an attack by wild monkeys, and 25 others were hurt when a monkey rampaged in the city.”

I’ll say that again, in case you missed it: “The deputy mayor of New Delhi was killed when he fell from his balcony during an attack by wild monkeys.” There’s gotta be a story there, and maybe I’ll look that up later.

Anyway, it seems the state government of Himachal Pradesh came up with the idea of killing two birds with one stone by recruiting local youth into some kind of monkey-gelding army. This is to be done with “laser sterilization,” say officials, not with scissors. And doesn’t that sound marvelously entertaining, a bunch of kids with lasers chasing monkeys around the countryside? I mean, that’s got “animated movie” written all over it. What will it be called? Well, duh: “Shock the Monkey.”

One Response to “Page 2”

  1. Cecil Vortex Says:

    “Free Willie (with a Laser)”

    -Cecil

Leave a Reply