Shotgun Golf

Posted in R.I.P., HST on August 16th, 2005 by bill
So far as I'm aware, this last edition of the Doctor's ESPN.com column, "Hey Rube," was his only published writing of 2005. I was just going to post a link here, but since it took me the better part of the day to get the goddamn thing to load successfully, and it was on a horrific yellow background when it finally did, I decided to just rip it off in its entirety and not feel bad about it. Shotgun Golf with Bill Murray
By Hunter S. Thompson The death of professional hockey in America is a nasty omen for people with heavy investments in NHL teams. But to me, it meant little or nothing — and that's why I called Bill Murray with an idea that would change both our lives forever. It was 3:30 on a dark Tuesday morning when I heard the phone ring on his personal line in New Jersey. "Good thinking," I said to myself as I fired up a thin Cohiba. "He's bound to be wide awake and crackling at this time of day, or at least I can leave a very excited message." My eerie hunch was right. The crazy bugger picked up on the fourth ring, and I felt my heart racing. "Hot damn!" I thought. "This is how empires are built." Late? I know not late. Genius round the world stands hand in hand, and one shock of recognition runs the whole circle round. Herman Melville said that in the winter of 1914, and Murray is keenly aware of it. Only a madman would call a legend of Bill Murray's stature at 3:33 a.m. for no good reason at all. It would be a career-ending move, and also profoundly rude. But my reason was better than good... * * * * * BILL: "Hello?" HST: "Hi, Bill, it's Hunter." BILL: "Hi, Hunter." HST: "Are you ready for a powerful idea? I want to ask you about golf in Japan. I understand they're building vertical driving ranges on top of each other." BILL (sounding strangely alert): "Yes, they have them outdoors, under roofs ..." HST: "I've seen pictures. I thought they looked like bowling alleys stacked on top of each other." BILL: (Laughs.) HST: "I'm working on a profoundly goofy story here. It's wonderful. I've invented a new sport. It's called Shotgun Golf. We will rule the world with this thing." BILL: "Mmhmm." HST: "I've called you for some consulting advice on how to launch it. We've actually already launched it. Last spring, the Sheriff and I played a game outside in the yard here. He had my Ping Beryllium 9-iron, and I had his shotgun, and about 100 yards away, we had a linoleum green and a flag set up. He was pitching toward the green. And I was standing about 10 feet away from him, with the alley-sweeper. And my objective was to blow his ball off course, like a clay pigeon." BILL: (Laughs.) HST: "It didn't work at first. The birdshot I was using was too small. But double-aught buck finally worked for sure. And it was fun." BILL: (Chuckles.) HST: "OK, I didn't want to wake you up, but I knew you'd want to be in on the ground floor of this thing." BILL: (Silence.) HST: "Do you want to discuss this tomorrow?" BILL: "Sure." HST: "Excellent." BILL: "I think I might have a queer dream about it now, but ..." (Laughs.) HST: "This sport has a HUGE future. Golf in America will soon come to this." BILL: "It will bring a whole new meaning to the words 'Driving Range'." HST: "Especially when you stack them on top of each other. I've seen it in Japan." BILL: "They definitely have multi-level driving ranges. Yes." HST: (Laughs.) "How does that work? Do they have extremely high ceilings?" BILL: "No. The roof above your tee only projects out about 10 feet, and they have another range right above you. It's like they took the facade off a building. People would be hanging out of their offices." HST: "I see. It's like one of those original Hyatt Regency Hotels. Like an atrium. In the middle of the building you could jump straight down into the lobby?" BILL: "Exactly like that!" HST: "It's like people driving balls from one balcony to the next." BILL: (Laughs.) "Yes, they could." HST: "I could be on the eighth floor and you on the sixth? Or on the fifteenth. And we'd be driving across a lake." BILL: "They have flags out every 150 yards, every 200 yards, every 250 yards. It's just whether you are hitting it at ground level, or from five stories up." HST: "I want to find out more about this. This definitely has a future to it." BILL: "They have one here in the city — down at Chelsea Pier." HST: "You must have played a lot of golf in Japan." BILL: "Not much; I just had one really great day of golf. I worked most of the time. But I did play one beautiful golf course. They have seasonal greens, two different types of grass. It's really beautiful." HST: "Well, I'm writing a column for ESPN.com and I want to know if you like my new golf idea. A two-man team." BILL: "Well, with all safety in mind, yes. Two-man team? Yeah! That sounds great. I think it would create a whole new look. It would create a whole new clothing line." HST: "Absolutely. You'll need a whole new wardrobe for this game." BILL: "Shooting glasses and everything." HST: "We'll obviously have to make a movie. This will mushroom or mutate — either way — into a real craze. And given the mood of this country, being that a lot of people in the mood to play golf are also in the mood to shoot something, I think it would take off like a gigantic fad." BILL: "I think the two-man team idea would be wonderful competition and is something the Ryder Cup would pick up on." HST: "I was talking with the Sheriff about it earlier. But in one-man competition, I'd have to compete against you, say, in both of the arts — the shooting AND the golfing. But if you do the Ryder Cup, you'd have to have the clothing line first. I'm going to write about this for ESPN tonight. I'm naming you and the Sheriff as the founding consultants." BILL: "Sounds good." HST: "OK, I'll call you tomorrow. And by the way, I'll see if I can twist some arms and get you an Oscar. But I want a Nobel Prize in return." BILL: "Well, we can work together on this. This is definitely a team challenge." (Laughing.) HST: "OK. We'll talk tomorrow." BILL: "Good night." So there it is. Shotgun Golf will soon take America by storm. I see it as the first truly violent leisure sport. Millions will crave it. * * * * * Shotgun Golf was invented in the ominous summer of 2004 AD, right here at the Owl Farm in Woody Creek, Colo. The first game was played between me and Sheriff Bob Braudis, on the ancient Bomb & Shooting Range of the Woody Creek Rod & Gun Club. It was witnessed by many members and other invited guests, and filmed for historical purposes by Dr. Thompson on Super-Beta videotape. The game consists of one golfer, one shooter and a field judge. The purpose of the game is to shoot your opponent's high-flying golf ball out of the air with a finely-tuned 12-gauge shotgun, thus preventing him (your opponent) from lofting a 9-iron approach shot onto a distant "green" and making a "hole in one." Points are scored by blasting your opponent's shiny new Titleist out of the air and causing his shot to fail miserably. That earns you two points. But if you miss and your enemy holes out, he (or she) wins two points when his ball hits and stays on the green. And after that, you trade places and equipment, and move on to round 2. My patent is pending, and the train is leaving the station, and Murray is a Founding Consultant, along with the Sheriff, and Keith Richards, etc., etc. Invest now or forever hold your peace. * * * * * As for Bill's triumphant finish at Pebble Beach, I am almost insanely proud of him. He is an elegant athlete in the finest Murray tradition. Bill is a dangerous brute with the fastest reflexes in Hollywood, but he is suave, and that is why I trust him even more than I trust all his brothers. Yes, I say Hallelujah, praise Jesus. Where is Brian? I will need him for this golf project, if only to offset Bill's bitchiness. We will march on a road of bones. OK. Back to business. It was Bill Murray who taught me how to mortify your opponents in any sporting contest, honest or otherwise. He taught me my humiliating PGA fadeaway shot, which has earned me a lot of money ... after that, I taught him how to swim, and then I introduced him to the shooting arts, and now he wins everything he touches. Welcome to the future of America. Welcome to Shotgun Golf. So long and Mahalo. Hunter.

The Last Interview

Posted in R.I.P., HST on August 16th, 2005 by bill
Here are a few excerpts from the Doctor's last published interview, in the May 2005 Playboy. The usual disclaimers apply: the viewpoints expressed herein are not endorsed by etc. etc.
On Freedom: Freedom is a challenge. You decide who you are by what you do. It's like a question, like a fork in the road. An ongoing question you have to keep answering correctly.
On Photography: I took all the Hell's Angels photographs. Those were all mine. But I learned after trying for years that I could not keep the same focus as a photojournalist. The myth of "take your own pictures, write your own story" didn't work for me. As a photographer I had to keep getting longer and longer lenses. I didn't like to get up close. I didn't want to get in people's faces because you couldn't talk to them much after that.
On Gambling: Ed Bradley came out here one day and beat me for about $4000 on a basketball game. I think it started as a hundred-dollar bet. But we kept doubling up. I paid him, of course. After all, I would have looked askance — and mentioned it in public — if he hadn't paid me. That's what makes it fun: the reality of it, having to pay up. It's good for it to hurt.

On Karma: It's extremely bad karma to brag about things you've gotten away with. I'm a great believer in karma in a profound sense: You will get what's coming to you.
On Rejection: I had the fiction editor of Esquire, Rust Hills, as a creative-writing professor at Columbia. I still have a note from him saying, "Never submit anything to Esquire ever again. You're a hateful, stupid bastard. Esquire hates you." It was kind of a shock at that age.


On Free Will: In Orwell's 1984, rigidity is imposed by the will of the state. Whereas with soma, in Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, it's the will of the people. I've always operated on that second theory. Nobody is stealing our freedoms. We're dealing them off.
On Drugs: Most drugs have been very good to me. I use drugs, and if I abuse them, well, show me where. What do you mean abuse them, you jackass? What's abuse? Like most anything else, it's about paying attention. It's simple. It's not some exotic school of thought I picked up somewhere; it's paying attention. Concentrating. It's something you have to do your whole life. I watch it and make sure people can handle things. You have to be super aware of who is fucked up, who is angry. Not at you necessarily, but who is dangerous. Who is not the same friendly guy you were talking to yesterday. I don't advocate drugs and whiskey and violence and rock and roll, but they've always been good to me. I've never advised people who can't handle drugs to take them, just as people who can't drive well shouldn't drive 80 miles an hour.
On Being Outnumbered: I was ahead of the game when I realized that if I tried to kill one person the rest would back off. You want to take on a large one. Take on a symbolic leader, the spokesman, the bully. A swift and violent kick to the nuts after a glass of water to the face is always good and I mean a crotch twister, boy. There's a big difference between a sort of snap-kick to the nuts and one with a follow-through, where you go all the way through the crotch with force. Use the leg — hit with a higher part of the foot so there's a narrow point of impact.


On Potential: That old thing about "this kid has a lot of talent" will take you a long way. But eventually it has to pay off. Potential will run out — and it can run out suddenly.
On Survival: Choosing the right friends is a life-or-death matter. But you really see it only in retrospect. I've always considered that possibly my highest talent — recognizing and keeping good friends. And you better pay attention to it, because any failure in that regard can be fatal. You should always be looking around for good friends because they can really dress up your life later on. In the end, it's not so much how to succeed in life as it is how to survive the life you have chosen.
On Perspective: I'm too old to adopt conceits or airs. I have nothing left to prove. It's kind of fun to look at — instead of a personal challenge to the enemy out there, I can finally look at it objectively. Not "Who is this freak over here?" but "Who am I?" I've gotten to that point where it's take it or leave it. Whatever way I've developed seems okay to me on the evidence.